The perfect crime at Disney World

The Paddlefish robber didn’t just do it for the halibut

There have been surprising Disney headlines over the years, but I don’t know if I’ve ever been more surprised by Disney news than I was the other day, when outlets around the world picked up a story of a brazen robbery at a popular Disney Springs Restaurant.

“Man in scuba gear suspected of robbing Disney Springs restaurant.”

Above Left: A photo of the alleged Paddlefish Robber provided by the Orange County Sheriff’s Office. Above Right: A still shot of the Screenslaver from Disney’s Incredibles 2.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the fourth estate, you have my attention. I shall give you a well-earned click.

The accompanying story – and the many others I clicked for any extra morsel of detail – came with a photo of the robber, who looked disturbingly similar to the Screenslaver from Incredibles 2.

Now, before we go on we do want to say that we understand that this is a serious crime and that people were affected. We are also going to have a little harmless fun. We do not support nor advocate nefarious, illegal activities.

What happened at Paddlefish?

First of all, for those of you unfamiliar with Disney Springs, or who haven’t dined at Paddlefish, it is a large seafood restaurant. While it may not be as popular as some of the other dining spots – we have traditionally ranked it higher than others – it is one of the signature centerpieces of Disney Springs, located on the water and built to mimic a giant Mississippi River-style paddlewheel boat.

Recently, after closing time two employees were depositing a significant amount of cash into the safe – reportedly between $10K -$20K – when they were accosted by a suspect in swim goggles, a mask, cap, and gloves. The suspect pushed the employees into a corner, instructed them to kneel and close their eyes.

The robber – who apparently arrived via the water – tied the employees up. Neither was harmed. While other employees were cleaning upstairs, the suspect went back to the water and vanished. The employees were able to free themselves and seek help.

Which Disney Villain is the most likely culprit?

I’ve thought about this a lot. We have a list of likely suspects starting with the Screenslaver because … I mean, come on.

But first, we should rule a few things out. While the attack was aquatic in nature, the robber required scuba gear, meaning they needed assistance to breathe underwater, ruling out Ursula.

Also, anyone who can perform magic is out. You’re not going to go swimming across gator inhabited waters when you can Bippity Boppity Boo your way right into the manager’s office.

Captain Hook would seem a prime suspect, but we can see both of the robber’s gloved hands. No hook.

We must also consider the question of motivations. Which Disney villains would be smart enough to scheme the plan – you’re out, Gaston – and be motivated enough by money to even want to try.

The villain also has to be human – I like the idea of Chick Hicks from Cars, getting a job as an Amphicar after his racing career falls out, but we can’t get a car into a human shaped wetsuit.

This leaves us with a list of fairly deep cuts, from a villains points of view

1. Commander Lyle Tiberius Rourke – Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Our lead target, analytical military mind who led multiple missions to exotic locales like, you know, Atlantis. Has the tactics, the team, and the experience to pull off the mission. Also, his goal was to capture the Heart of Atlantis and sell it. He’s a greedy dude.

2. Screenslaver – Incredibles 2

Doesn’t fit all the criteria because she’s insanely rich and doesn’t need the money. But she loves a certain level of chaos and discrediting heroes, and the footage is compelling. Also, she has access to a Hydrofoil, so she doesn’t really need to scuba in and out.

3. Gru – Despicable Me

The first rule of investigation? Assume nothing. Why are we limiting our cast of possible suspects to Disney characters? Isn’t the notorious mastermind Gru just down the road? Wouldn’t a Universal villain get a little extra kick out of pulling off a Disney heist? Somebody go to Universal Orlando and check Gru’s alibi.

4. Governor Ratcliffe – Pocahontas

Driven by greed. Came to America in search of gold. Doesn’t care who gets in his way. Not exactly built like someone who has done a lot of scuba diving, but certainly familiar with seafaring. Has a crew of men, could have masterminded the plot and sent a henchman to do his bidding.

5. Madame Medusa – The Rescuers

Another villain unlikely to do the deed herself but driven by greed – remember she endangers Penny to attempt to claim the Devil’s Eye, the world’s biggest diamond.

Also, she is apparently the world’s best crocodile trainer, as Brutus and Nero do her bidding. If anyone would brave gator infested waters, it would be Medusa – or probably her partner, Mr. Snoops.

6. Edgar Balthazar – The Aristocats

Written out of the will entirely after his plot to kill the cats, the former butler is on hard times. Paddlefish is the score he needs to get back in the game.

7. Disney’s Scoundrels

Let’s face it. Disney loves a good rakish scoundrel with foot on either side of the good/bad line.

Options here include Han Solo, Lando and Hondo Ohnaka from the Star Wars world, Flynn Rider from Tangled, and Nick Wilde from Zootopia.

Speaking frankly, I have concerns about the entire Guardians of the Galaxy crew, and don’t even get me started on Robin Hood.

Did any Orlando area charities get an unexpected $20K boost this week?

8. Bob Iger

I’m kidding. We kid. We’re kidders. It’s a joke. We do understand, however, that the CEO is looking to bump revenue in Q3.

How did they get away? Where did they go?

If I’m being honest, there is nothing that would delight me more than to find out the robber stole one of those Amphicars from over by the Boathouse, drove it across the lake, up onto the highway and out to I-4 and freedom.

I would watch that movie. But since no one has reported a missing Amphicar, that dream is at least deferred for now.

No, it appears they used the scuba gear to swim away in Lake Buena Vista. We can make a few assumptions from here. First, the lake is a contained body of water within Disney property but there are a lot of little tributaries and branches that reach places like Saratoga Springs Resort, Old Key West Resort, and the Port Orleans hotels.

I don’t think the robber would have gone to any of the other Disney Springs sites connected to the lake – either the dock over by the Rainforest Café or the parking areas. I don’t know precisely how much of the Disney property is under video surveillance, but I’m pretty sure every inch of the Disney Springs land is, including the parking areas.

The robber could have made their way across the lake to the area behind the boat launch – near Rainforest Café. The water way extends past the launch under East Buena Vista Drive to a larger area almost surrounded by partner hotels. There’s a spot with some woods back there where the robber could have exited but getting to a road from there would not have been easy. All the areas around East Buena Vista Drive have Disney walking paths. My assumption is either all of them or most would be under some sort of video security system.

My belief is the robber would have headed out towards the Sassagoula River, which connects to the Port Orleans hotels. Now, they could have made a left and gone down towards Typhoon Lagoon, there’s a decent place there where you could hide, call for a pickup, and quickly move from the water to the road. But it’s still a big road, and the chances of being seen – even at that time of night – are not minimal.

I’ll tell you where I would have gone, though not having done much scuba diving, maybe it’s too far and I’m overthinking it.

As you go down the Sassagoula, you pass the DVC Treehouse Villas. At the edge of that property, just before you get to Disney Vacation Club Way, there’s a nice patch of woods that would be secluded from view of the road or the villas. You could get out in the woods there, get changed out of the gear, and get to a signal car without being seen. The road there is smaller and there are no walking paths to be surveilled.

What about gators? That would be an issue. While Disney does a more aggressive job of managing its gator population, they still exist. My daughter saw a decent sized one sunning itself not far from the Grand Floridian this summer. Disney employs wildlife wranglers and relocates the gators, but swimming is strictly verboten. It appears our robber broke more than one law that night.

What else can we surmise?

I’ve already gone too far into the realm of speculation, but it does seem to me that our robber had a fairly strong understanding of Paddlefish operations.

I am not a master thief so maybe there are ways to find things out, but it seems to me they knew quite a bit about how Paddlefish would handle its cash and that there would be enough cash to make it worthwhile.

If reports that several more employees would be upstairs cleaning, the robber had to be confident enough to know there wouldn’t be more people in the manager’s office or on that floor.

I’m not saying it was an inside job. But I’m not NOT saying it was an inside job either.

Probably best to leave that up to the authorities. Preferably, Judy Hopps and not the Sheriff of Nottingham.